Your Pain is Mine as Well

I know you're cutting again. SM

What are you talking about, Sebastian? -JM

Jim, I saw your wrists. SM

It's none of your business. -JM

I was hired to protect you, and if that means from yourself, then fine. SM

You weren't hired to be my nanny. -JM

I was hired to help you. SM

I don't need your help with this. -JM

You need someone's help. SM

No. I don't. -JM

Yes, Jim, you do. SM

I'm in control of it. -JM

Are you? SM

Yes. -JM

When was the last time you did it? SM

.........-JM

Exactly. I'm coming home. SM

I'm fine, Sebastian. -JM

I said I was coming home. SM

And I said I am fine. -JM

I don't care. I am coming home. SM

[no reply]

Sebastian sighed, sliding his phone in his pocket. He walked quickly up the steps to his flat, going in and looking around.

"Jim?" he called. Jim crouched in the bathroom, the razor shaking in his fingers. He was in control, but he needed this....he needed everything to fade to just the feeling of sweet, sweet pain. Sebastian opened the door to the bathroom, kicking the razor out of his hand.

"Stop it Jim," he said, almost shouting.

"Leave me alone!" He swatted at him, grabbing for it again. Sebastian pinned his arms to his side.

"I said, stop it," he growled.

"You're my sniper...not my nanny."

"You are a danger to yourself,"

"Let go of me," he hissed through his teeth. Sebastian picked him up, carrying him through to the living room.

"I am not letting go of you until I know you are not going to do it again."

"Put me down!" He beat on Sebastian, trying to wriggle out of his grip. Sebastian held him tight, not letting him go.

"I don't think so."

"You are not the boss of me!"

"I'm not trying to be. I am trying to help you."

"I don't need it." He pushed and squirmed. Sebastian shook him slightly.

"Don't you get it? This is not good for you."

"Like I care."

"James Moriarty. You are out of your mind. You need to stop. You're hurting yourself."

"That's what keeps me sane."

"It's bad for you, one day you'll slip and you won't be alive, let alone sane."

"Then that'll be my problem, won't it?"

"It'll be my problem too." Sebastian said quietly. He sneered. "Why? Because you won't have someone to work for? Have to go back to taking freelance again?"

"Jim... I.. That's what you think of me?"

"What?"

"You think I do all of this for you because it's my job? I didn't see it on my job requirement to sit up with you all night and watch crappy films because you were upset about something you didn't want to tell me about." His brown eyes searched Sebastian's face. Sebastian dropped him.

"Fucking hurt yourself," he mumbled, making for the door.

"Sebastian?" he said, his voice shaking.

"What," he spat.

"Please don't...."

"I'm fed up of being treated like crap. You know I would do anything for you and you still speak to me like I'm a piece of shit. So do what you want." His thin body shook. Sebastian didn't turn to look at him, he didn't want to see what a mess he had made of him by saying that.

"Please don't go." Sebastian sighed, leaning against the door. "What do you want from me Jim?"

"You're right."

"What?"

"I push people away. Because I know I'm fucked up." Sebastian didn't say anything, just turned to look at him.

"And I know...one day I'm going to snap...everything's just going to come crashing down on my head..." Sebastian sighed, walking back over to him.

"I don't want to take anyone under with me." He fought hard against the tears that bubbled in his eyes. Sebastian looked down at him, his brow furrowed. "What if I want to go under with you?" he said gently. He looked up at him, for the first time, true fear was in his chocolate eyes. Sebastian put an arm around him.

"I'm sorry for shouting at you," he said softly.

"I deserved it."

"No, you didn't. I just got angry."

"No...I did. That's why I..."

"That's why you.. Why you what, Jim?"

"I need you." Sebastian smiled slightly, pulling him in close.

"I need you too." He let himself wrap his arms around him, liking the safety he felt in Seb's arms. Sebastian kissed the top of his head lightly. "You're not fucked up either, Jim."

He shook his head. "I am."

"Not to me you're not."

"Then you're an idiot," he said sulkily. Sebastian gave a slight laugh. "Okay I'm an idiot." He snuggled his face into Seb's shirt. Sebastian ran his hand in circles in the small of Jim's back, closing his eyes.

"You're the only one not afraid to call me on my crap..."

"That's because I'm not afraid of you."

"You'd be the first." Sebastian sat down on the sofa, pulling Jim onto his lap.

"Being the first is a good thing," he murmured. Jim blinked at the odd tenderness of the gesture. Sebastian held him close.

"Don't try anything like this again." He swallowed.

"Jim.. Promise me."

"I....can't..."

"Please.." He wiggled again in his arms.

"Want to get Chinese and watch a crap movie?" he said quietly, scanning Jim's face.

"How is it any different from you and your cigarettes?" he asked petulantly, avoiding Seb's change of subject.

"How is what different?"

"My....habit."

"I quit smoking Jim. I knew you didn't like the smell." He furrowed his brow.

"I quit over two months ago."

"Why do I still smell it on you when you come home sometimes?"

"You do know nearly every one of your employees smokes. It's hard for it not to cling to you when you hang around with them too long." Jim looked down. Sebastian sighed, pulling him closer and kissing his cheek. He blinked.

"I am sorry for shouting at you."

"I told you. I deserved it."

"Now, Chinese and movie? Or do you want to go to sleep? You look tired." He reached up to touch his face.

"It's your choice," he said, leaning into his hand lightly.

"Do you....want me, Sebastian?" Sebastian blinked.

"W-want you?" He looked at him pointedly.

"As in... Want you?" He nodded slowly. Sebastian felt his head move up and down. "Of.. Of course I do.."

He swallowed thickly. "Even with....everything I do?"

"Especially with everything you do... It's part of you." He stroked his cheek lightly with his fingertips.

"Do you.. do you want me?" Jim pressed forward, kissing him softly. Sebastian's eyes fluttered closed, he kissed him gently. Pulling back, he whispered.

"I don't just want you...I need you...so much and it scares me."

"Why does it scare you?"

"Because I've never needed anyone this much."

"You can be dependent on me... I don't mind."

"It...It's never been who I am."

"You always said you were changeable." He managed a small smile. Sebastian smiled back at him. "Come on, Jim, cheer up."

He shifted slightly, moving to straddle Seb's lap. "Are you sure you want to... Right now?" He kissed his jaw. "I'm going to sound incredibly corny...if you laugh...I will hit you...but...take me."

"On the sofa?" Sebastian replied, his hands fluttering over Jim's thighs. "Wherever you like."

"You can choose."

"I'll go where you go." He nipped his jaw. Sebastian groaned slightly, closing his eyes. "Here... Here will be just fine."

"Then here we'll stay." He made his way to his ear, licking and tugging on the lobe. Sebastian gasped, rolling his hips slightly.

"Anywhere will be perfect with you." He paused for a moment. Sebastian looked at him.

"What's wrong?" He pulled back, looking at him.

"Jim?" Anxiety unwillingly pooled in his gut.

"Are you.. Are you nervous?"

"You actually care about me."

"How could I not.."

"Why?"

"Because...to me, you are perfect." He looked down.

"Jim, you have to believe me.."

"I....can't....I can't believe that..." Sebastian kissed him lightly.

"It's you. It's always been you." Jim pressed his face into his shoulder. He rested his head on Jim's shoulder, holding him close.

"You're going to be the death of me, Sebastian Moran."

"I'm hoping that's a good thing."

"It depends."

"On what?"

"If you keep saying things like that, I'm going to die of embarrassment," he mumbled. Sebastian laughed properly, running his hands through Jim's hair. He closed his eyes, arching into his hands.